Stargazing
by DebajoDeLaCafeina
Summary: The truth can be painful, to hear as well as to tell. After that; all that's left for Ziva is stargazing, and hoping for acceptance once again. Zabby, femmeslash, and not exactly chirpy reading.


_(A/N and Disclaimer: I own nothing connected to NCIS._ _That's all I really have to say. I'm tired and tetchy, which is not a good combination, so I'll leave you read the fic and get on with what you hit the link to do._ Vale y gracias_.)_

* * *

'Abby...' Ziva began, her voice tailing off. This was something that she had wanted to say for a long time. Since the beginning of their relationship she had felt the need to tell her, to share just a tiny piece of her past with the woman who breathed life into so much of her present. But something had stopped her, the words sticking in her throat and constricting her tongue - and whatever it was, it always reminded her what the impact of her words could have on Abby - on them. Ziva David could honestly say that nothing had ever made her feel as happy, let alone as loved, as being with Abby did. So she had said nothing, not even whispered it into their quiet moments together or confessed to it when they talked openly, about their lives, their hopes for the future...and their pasts.

She didn't like concealing things from her - far from it. She loathed it. But it was her love for Abby that forced her to maintain her silence, for fear of ruining everything they had together. She held onto her secret - the secret that had turned her heart to stone; even now, with Abby's caffeinated touch.

_But how long can you go with a heart of stone before it threatens to sink you completely?_

'What's wrong?' Abby said, kissing her cheek gently. Her pale fingers were laced with Ziva's, and she looked a little concerned at the continuing silence of the petite brunette in front of her. Feeling almost guilty, Ziva squeezed Abby's hand and forced herself to look at her - really look at her. Abby's emerald-bright eyes, however beautiful, were so open and loving that her own concealment and secrecy made Ziva hate herself; just for a moment. She swallowed; her mouth dry from nerves.

'Abigail, there's something I have to tell you'

Abby's eyes widened, and her face fell as they did so. Ziva only ever called her by her full first name when she had something deadly serious to tell her.

'What's wrong?' she asked, sounding almost scared. Ziva wished she could tell Abby it was nothing; that everything was fine; and not to worry. But it wasn't; she wasn't, and she was already worrying. If Abby was scared, it was nothing compared to the fear and nervousness threatening to overwhelm Ziva. Her hands were actually shaking, but she couldn't bring herself to detach them from Abby's and lose her only source of comfort even sooner than - depending on Abby's reaction to her revelation - she would have to anyway.

'Abby, I...there's...it...' Coherent speech had deserted her. Mentally, she was running through the many ways she had imagined telling Abby this. Stuttering like an idiot wasn't one of them. Abby sighed, and looked down; breaking their eye contact.

'It's okay, Ziva. I knew this would happen eventually, and...I understand'

Now it was Ziva's turn to look confused. 'You...what?'

'You've met someone else. It's okay. I...' Abby swallowed, and Ziva could see the beginnings of tears shimmering in her eyes. 'I hope they make you happy...even if I couldn't-'

'No! No, it's not that...Abby, it's nothing like that' Ziva exclaimed. 'There's never...there couldn't...I only want you, Abby'

'Really?' Abby said tentatively.

'Really, _really_' replied Ziva firmly.

'Then what...?' Abby tilted her head questioningly. Then, her eyes popped.

'Don't tell me. That case with the six-week-old baby made you broody, and you've decided you want a kid. '

'Hell, no!' the words were out of Ziva's mouth before she could stop them. Abby laughed at her reaction.

'Good to know! But come on, what were you going to tell me?' Her green eyes were wide with curiosity and concern...and love. Ziva could hardly bear to look into them.

'It's...difficult' she managed.

'Why?' the tall, Gothic woman asked softly. It wasn't a probing question, but a sincere desire to know...to understand what was troubling Ziva. Hearing that note in Abby's voice almost broke Ziva there and then, but she managed to hold it together.

'It concerns my life...my family...before I joined NCIS'

Abby sighed softly; and stroked the back of Ziva's hand, still encased in hers, with her thumb. The action would have soothed Ziva slightly, if she hadn't been so tense. 'If it upsets you, you know you don't have to tell me...I understand, if it's painful for you'

'No' Ziva said, taking a deep breath. 'Given the...circumstances, I think it's something you need to know.

She paused for a moment, collecting her thoughts...and involuntarily, sinking into memories.

_...An accidental first meeting...  
...A laughing young boy - an angry father...  
...Young, kind eyes - turning dead from the trauma they saw...  
...Working...training...  
...Hardening herself...her mind...like he had...  
...Secrets...lies...  
...America...  
...A rogue agent...a liability...  
...A decision...  
...A gunshot...  
...An eternity of guilt stretching out in front of her._

'...He was my brother'

'Who?...'

Ziva swallowed, and twisted her hands out of Abby's as she forced herself to look up at her puzzled face.

'Ari'.

* * *

Abby's breath hitched. It was surprisingly loud in the lab, the silence punctuated only by the rhythmic bleeping and humming of Abby's machines.

Ziva closed her eyes, as much to avoid looking at the other woman as it was to prevent her stinging eyes spilling over with tears. Had she just lost Abby?

There was a minutes silence that seemed like an hour. Then-

'Get out'

Abby's voice was cold, clipped and distant. Ziva opened her eyes in shock - and was even more stunned to see tears rolling down Abby's cheeks. She had never seen Abby cry before - never, no matter how ill or tired or sad she was. But her green eyes were narrowed, and her hands were shaking. Ziva couldn't tell for sure if it was pain or fury Abby was struggling to conceal.

'Abby, I-'

'Just get out of here, Ziva'

The tall, raven-haired woman wheeled round and moved to the far side of her lab; putting as much space between her and the other woman as possible, as if Ziva was contaminated.

_-But then again,_ she thought; _maybe in her eyes, I am now._

'I'm so, so sorry, Abby' Ziva managed to say, before her own tears choked and overwhelmed her. Abby remained silent, but Ziva could see her shoulders shaking even from across the lab. 'But I think you should know this too. Gibbs didn't kill Ari. I - I did'

She heard what could either have been a sob or a gasp from Abby, but by now she was past caring. The truth was out now, and whether Abby could handle what Ziva was, and what she had done; was up to her.

'...So now you know' Ziva said, numbly, before turning around and leaving the lab; first walking - then quickening her pace to a run, climbing the stairs until she reached the rooftop.

Leaning against the closed door leading outside, she sank to the floor, alone now; able to finally allow her fear, pain and tears to catch up with her.

_(This will eventually be a 3-chapter story; but at the moment I haven't had time to do much work on the other two. I'll get them up soon though. Gracias for reading so far. )_


End file.
